Citing lack of ROI, Evertree Hospital eliminates chaplaincy

Continuing a year-long strategy, Evertree Hospital has eliminated its pastoral care due to lack of Return on Investment, or ROI. Used in many industries as a tool to measure the relative value of a program or initiative (high ROI is desired), the financial instrument is now being applied more frequently throughout the healthcare industry. The move follows other cuts citing the same lack of ROI at the hospital, including the shuttering of the organization’s web site, elimination of the marketing department, and demolition of the parking ramp.

“Look, times are tough, and if you can’t prove the positive financial impact on this organization, then it’s time to go,” said Evertree Chief Financial Officer Al Dunlap. “Hey, even God needs to show an ROI.”

Dunlap added that additional hospital services and amenities could follow in the same path.

“Our patient rooms are still decorated using a 1972 mauve, and there’s talk of updating the decor,” he said. “Show me someone who can prove the financial return on a can of paint, and I’ll show you a magician.”

Evertree Hospital Pastor Bill Gramm was unavailable for comment. The hospital will be auctioning off pews, crosses and other religious artifacts on e-Bay beginning July 1.


  1. Callie Christine said:

    this makes alot of sence. I wonder what they’ll have to actuion off. My cousin Rose has lots of great relgius things she sells on ebay. I got a awsome cow for my manger sceen last year.

  2. Kendall Ryan said:

    This is just another example of global warming – when will we learn? This planet is dying, and pew sales on ebay are feeding the fire. We need to take action, write our clueless politicians, tell them to stop choking our planet.

  3. Jack Albert said:

    There you go again about global warning. You %$#& liberals are such wussies – the planet will be here long after we are, and no pew sale is going to change that. Cut your hair and go iron your skirt, you %$$&& stupid *&*%$#% bleeding heart.

  4. Emily Litella said:

    What’s all this I hear about eliminating Charlie Chaplin? The man’s been dead for years – shouldn’t we be focusing on more important issues?

  5. Gregg Masters said:

    Google search query does not find an “Evertree Hospital” does it exist?

    I am curious as to the tax status of this alleged hospital? Is it voluntary/exempt or proprietary? I am curious how an “ROI” logic finds it’s way into staffing conversations.