“The technology is amazing, and easy to use,” says spokesperson Peter Flow. “Thanks to our exclusive P2Pad™ technology, patients just urinate on the iPad screen, then the software analyzes the sample and sends results directly to the physician. Use it at home, at work, at the park. Wherever your iPad can go, iStream goes with you.”

Flow says the next innovation will come with multitasking, which isn’t currently available on the iPad. “Imagine, emailing a recipe, watching the latest movie blockbuster, or reading your favorite novel, all while providing your pee sample. Who knew a urinalysis could be so much fun?”

The company expects iStream to launch by summer, pending approval by Apple (a spokesperson from Apple was not available for this story). Flow says depending on the success of the app, the company will follow up with other medical offerings, including iSwab, iSperm and iStool.

“Everyone says these web sites are online versions of the water cooler, so we went ahead and eliminated the actual water coolers,” said KMC Vice President of Compliance, Staffing and Totalitarianism, E. B. Skruge. “Boom! That’s what I’m talking about!”

Skruge noted that the organization had already blocked social web sites such as Facebook, Twitter and YouTube, as well as Google, Yahoo, CNN.com, ESPN.com, and “pretty much anything ‘.com.’” The goal, he said, is to eliminate any possible distractions for staff that could take them away from focusing on their jobs. When asked how employees could keep up with their hospital’s own Facebook page and Twitter feed if the sites were blocked, Skruge said he was unaware of any such “doo-hickeys.”

“No one should have time in their day to socialize, or keep up to date on news, or in any other way feel like a connected human being,” stated Skruge. “But it’s not just communicating online – we’re trying to eliminate all forms of unnecessary communication, such as the kind that takes place around the water cooler. If you want to talk to a coworker about anything other than work, save it for the weekend.”

The hospital has created a “Non-essential communication elimination committee” that made the recommendation to remove the facility’s water coolers. Skruge said the committee is also considering the elimination of break rooms, bus shelters, the cafeteria and any hallways with perceptible gathering spots. KMC Director of Internal Communications Jake Marley was unavailable for comment.

“We’ve jumped head first into social media, and what we’ve learned through Facebook is truly eye opening,” said Becker. “Following the completion of the ‘What color are you?’ quiz, the result of ‘beige’ gives us tremendous insight into how to engage our community, and we’re acting immediately on that information.”

As a result of this discovery, the organization has embarked on a process to redesign its corporate identity to feature beige. Becker noted they hoped to reflect other findings from the quiz results, which read in part: “You are beige! You tend to be bland and boring, a mix of white and gray. You’re not much of a dreamer, preferring to mire yourself in mediocrity and sameness. You don’t laugh easily, are slow to the uptake, and generally blend into the woodwork.”

Becker also announced that based on the Facebook strategy, Pantaloon Hospital is now a fan of “sunshine” and “baby seals,” is trying to rob the electronics store in Mafia Wars, is most like the Jimmy Buffet song “Cheeseburger in Paradise,” and is a “mean” drunk.

“The use of magic beans by hospitals will improve quality while saving trillions of healthcare dollars over the coming years,” said Mark Keepitt, chair of the Certification Commission for Healthcare Magical Bean Systems, the independent agency charged by the government with approving adoption of magical solutions. “Magic beans really will solve all of our healthcare ills. Not to mention, they will improve our ability to grow giant bean stalks.”

Some U.S. hospitals are already using magic beans, but with mixed results. Ann Dickey, CEO of Orlando Hospital in Dallas, Texas, says the implementation of magic beans was difficult, and the organization is still working out the kinks.

“Like many others, we were sold a somewhat utopian view of magic beans, from their amazing ability to grow into different shapes, to their beautiful and wonderous colors,” says Dickey. “But from the get go, we’ve had a hard time integrating the magic beans with some of our proprietary legumes. And there’s been real physician push back. Most do not like carrying magic beans in a little leather pouch everywhere, and good luck getting surgeons to water them daily.”

Others point out that many hospitals are using alternative magical items, which may be hard to integrate system-wide with magic beans. A number of hospitals in California, for example, rely on pixie dust, while unicorn blood is popular on the East Coast. Then there’s the claim that the whole stimulus has been pushed through by the magic bean lobby. J. G. Giannt, president of magic bean vendor General Beans, defends the industry.

“We just want what’s best for the country,” he said. “We believe that if you looked up the word ‘panacea’ in the dictionary, you would see a picture of a magic bean. They’re so very magical.”

In 2008, the five most popular responses were:

1. Our physicians are board certified.
2. We care.
3. We’re ranked #1 in (fill in the blank).
4. We’re high touch and high tech.
5. We care a lot.

While there was a new number one response this year, study director Louden Swain expects that to change soon.

“With virtually every hospital claiming a number one ranking in at least one area, there’s no doubt that will be the message to watch,” said Swain

“We’ve done patient surveys, and people have indicated that they can’t make informed decisions based on quality awards that are only given annually,” stated company spokesperson Cindy Hinky. “From our perspective, the more ways we can slice and dice quality rankings, the more information patients will have. If we can have 10 rankings, why not 100, or 1,000? More is always better.”

MedRankers will update their web-based rankings on a weekly basis, and will issue the awards every Monday. Hospitals who wish to promote their rankings will need to sign exclusive licensing agreements by the following Tuesday, and all advertising will need to be pulled prior to the next rankings, the following Monday.

“We realize this doesn’t leave hospitals much time to promote their rankings,” says Hinky. “But that just provides incentives for them to strive hard to win the award every week.”

In addition to adding weekly rankings, different categories such as hospital size, geographic zone, hospital type and hospital shape will be used. The company has also announced varying types of quality that will be measured and awarded, such as overall quality, service line quality, physician quality, nurse quality, nurse practitioner quality, total quality and comprehensive quality.

In a separate announcement, MedRankers announced record profits in the first quarter of 2009. A company spokesperson attributes the success to including more and more rankings, as well as to the addition of the company’s latest program, aimed at hospital administrators, called “Promoting quality awards: why your life depends on it.”

The new combo position is gaining in popularity across the country, with more than a dozen major hospitals and systems advertising in the leading industry publication, Hospital Job Mashup. Industry trend watcher and three-time Tony award winner runner-up Chris Kendall says the move toward the combo position is likely here to stay.

“Other than the different educational backgrounds and technical skills required, these three disciplines are a natural combination,” says Kendall. “Given recent layoffs in the industry, hospitals are finding a plethora of qualified candidates with marketing, patient safety and facilities backgrounds.”

Kendall added that other combinations of positions, such as nurse/truck driver and neurosurgeon/photographer are also catching on, though not as fast.