The Orlando Chamber of Commerce reported a spike in liquor sales this week, with an overall increase of 30% over the previous week. Officials aren’t sure of the reason behind the increase, but do note that the presence of a national healthcare marketing conference in town may be playing a factor.

“The last time they had their conference here, sales were off the charts,” said Anton Chigurh, the chamber’s spokesperson. “The ran out of cranberry juice for all the crantinis.” Read the full story »

In a move aimed at supporting long-awaited reform of the U.S. healthcare system, the Obama administration announced a federal infusion of $5 billion for the implementation of magic beans at hospitals across the country. The statement induced applause from advocates and warnings from critics.

“The use of magic beans by hospitals will improve quality while saving trillions of healthcare dollars over the coming years,” said Mark Keepitt, chair of the Certification Commission for Healthcare Magical Bean Systems, the independent agency charged by the government with approving adoption of magical solutions. “Magic beans really will solve all of our healthcare ills. Not to mention, they will improve our ability to grow giant bean stalks.” Read the full story »

In a stunning sixteen-part series set to release today, the business magazine WiseBucks will reveal that hospitals are, in fact, businesses. The report follows an article in Smart Money magazine, “10 Things Hospital CEOs Won’t Tell You,” which took a fair and balanced look at how hospitals operate.

“Once we dug into this, we couldn’t believe what we uncovered,” said WiseBucks editor Joe Duhh. “Hospitals – believe it or not – are actually run like businesses. We were floored.” Read the full story »

Continuing a year-long strategy, Evertree Hospital has eliminated its pastoral care due to lack of Return on Investment, or ROI. Used in many industries as a tool to measure the relative value of a program or initiative (high ROI is desired), the financial instrument is now being applied more frequently throughout the healthcare industry. The move follows other cuts citing the same lack of ROI at the hospital, including the shuttering of the organization’s web site, elimination of the marketing department, and demolition of the parking ramp.

“Look, times are tough, and if you can’t prove the positive financial impact on this organization, then it’s time to go,” said Evertree Chief Financial Officer Al Dunlap. “Hey, even God needs to show an ROI.” Read the full story »