“Like the legislator in Vermont, we were flabbergasted that hospitals actually have to attract patients with marketing and advertising,” said WiseBucks editor Joe Duhh. “That’s how regular businesses operate, sure. But hospitals? That would be like saying politicians have to spend money to get elected – doesn’t it just happen?”

Last year’s award-winning study, which uncovered that hospitals are actually businesses, won WiseBucks the coveted Most Obvious Reporting On News (or MORON) award. Its findings, which caused endless congressional hearings and helped fuel the grassroots “Band-Aid Party” movement, showed that:

• despite the fact that most hospitals are “non-profit,” they still must take in more money then they spend
• revenue from many hospital patients – such as those with Medicare insurance – does not cover the cost of serving those patients
• shockingly, some hospitals have actual waterfalls and valet parking

WiseBucks has won acclaim for its past investigating reporting, including:

• “Uncovering the truth: the sun rises in the east”
• “This just in: gravity works.”
• “Money does not, in fact, grow on trees – an investigative report.”

“The results were among the best we’ve ever seen,” said Palm Hills marketing director Daphne Landry. “This just goes to prove that tenderness sells.”

While the advertising seems fairly standard, Landry says it was the combination of calming images and differentiating messaging, such as focusing on the words “caring.”

“It wasn’t necessarily what we said, but how we said it,” she claimed.

In a related story, Palm Hills Hospital mental health clinic reported a spike in patients with anxiety disorders. Officials offered no explanation for the increase.

“The use of magic beans by hospitals will improve quality while saving trillions of healthcare dollars over the coming years,” said Mark Keepitt, chair of the Certification Commission for Healthcare Magical Bean Systems, the independent agency charged by the government with approving adoption of magical solutions. “Magic beans really will solve all of our healthcare ills. Not to mention, they will improve our ability to grow giant bean stalks.”

Some U.S. hospitals are already using magic beans, but with mixed results. Ann Dickey, CEO of Orlando Hospital in Dallas, Texas, says the implementation of magic beans was difficult, and the organization is still working out the kinks.

“Like many others, we were sold a somewhat utopian view of magic beans, from their amazing ability to grow into different shapes, to their beautiful and wonderous colors,” says Dickey. “But from the get go, we’ve had a hard time integrating the magic beans with some of our proprietary legumes. And there’s been real physician push back. Most do not like carrying magic beans in a little leather pouch everywhere, and good luck getting surgeons to water them daily.”

Others point out that many hospitals are using alternative magical items, which may be hard to integrate system-wide with magic beans. A number of hospitals in California, for example, rely on pixie dust, while unicorn blood is popular on the East Coast. Then there’s the claim that the whole stimulus has been pushed through by the magic bean lobby. J. G. Giannt, president of magic bean vendor General Beans, defends the industry.

“We just want what’s best for the country,” he said. “We believe that if you looked up the word ‘panacea’ in the dictionary, you would see a picture of a magic bean. They’re so very magical.”

“Once we dug into this, we couldn’t believe what we uncovered,” said WiseBucks editor Joe Duhh. “Hospitals – believe it or not – are actually run like businesses. We were floored.”

Among the report’s findings:

• despite the fact that most hospitals are “non-profit,” they still must take in more money then they spend
• hospitals actually spend money to try and attract patients to their services (and in a ghastly finding, sometimes refer to them as “customers,” or worse, “consumers”)
• revenue from many hospital patients – particularly those with Medicare insurance – does not cover the cost of serving those patients
• shockingly, some hospitals have actual waterfalls

WiseBucks has won acclaim for its past investigating reporting, including:

“The moon is spherical: will this affect the tides?”
“While all squares are rectangles, not all rectangles are squares: the inside story.”
“Weather forecasters: could they be getting some predictions wrong?”

“Look, times are tough, and if you can’t prove the positive financial impact on this organization, then it’s time to go,” said Evertree Chief Financial Officer Al Dunlap. “Hey, even God needs to show an ROI.”

Dunlap added that additional hospital services and amenities could follow in the same path.

“Our patient rooms are still decorated using a 1972 mauve, and there’s talk of updating the decor,” he said. “Show me someone who can prove the financial return on a can of paint, and I’ll show you a magician.”

Evertree Hospital Pastor Bill Gramm was unavailable for comment. The hospital will be auctioning off pews, crosses and other religious artifacts on e-Bay beginning July 1.