The first billboard, emblazoned with ‘Text 24347824 to find out our ER Wait Times,’ generated a 40% increase in ER patient volume the first day.  “They couldn’t get the ambulances here fast enough,” Chief Marketing Officer Handley McNeil noted.  “Within one week, we were the top ER volume in the state. It was amazing, especially since our ER wait times actually went through the roof!”

Emboldened by that success, they launched a follow-up effort titled ‘Picture Yourself at CNUMC.’ This phase of the campaign billboard offered a prize: ‘Tweet a picture of yourself driving by this billboard and you’ll be entered to win $100,000!’

“This was a great touch,” enthused McNeil, “It allowed people to real-time picture share via a picture-based photo site we’d set up. All you needed was a smartphone to enter!”

The winner of the contest, Sam Fisherton, was “shocked and amazed,” when he found out he won. “This will really help out,” Mr. Fisherton said from his rehabilitation hospital bed.  “One less hip I have to pay for!”

The campaign has been so successful in raising ED volumes that McNeil is planning a third phase featuring billboards with QR codes on Interstate 37.

“It will definitely take some skill to use a QR code scanner while cruising 75 miles an hour, but that makes it more fun,” said McNeil. “This combination of new technologies and traditional ads is literally bringing bodies to our front door.”

According to Casey Nomenclature, spokesperson for the Healthcare Observation Naming Consortium (HONC), this designation was long overdue.

“Of course, everyone is familiar with American Heart Month in February, or National Breast Cancer Awareness Month in October, which are very important observations,” said Nomenclature. “But people really aren’t aware of the more than 178 observations recognized by U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. For example, did you know October is National Medical Librarians Month? We just thought it was important people were aware of all the monthly designations that help people become aware.”

Other important, but lesser known, designations include:

• National Folic Acid Awareness Week (January 2-8)
• Sports Eye Safety Month (April)
• Mediterranean Diet Month (May)
• National School Backpack Awareness Day (September 15)
• Fruits and Veggies – More Matters Month (September)
• National Rip Current Awareness Week (June 5 -11)

Nomenclature also notes that people need to remember all of the designations related to healthcare workers, such as National Medical Transcriptionist Week (May), National Nurses in Staff Development Week (July) and Nuclear Medicine Week (October).

“Thank goodness for Eldridge Macintosh, a founding member of HONC, who made the controversial decision in 1947 to allow for multiple observations for the same month, week or day, which opened the door to all these very important designations,” says Nomenclature. “From our perspective, the more designations we can make, the more the country will pay attention to these important issues.”

“The technology is amazing, and easy to use,” says spokesperson Peter Flow. “Thanks to our exclusive P2Pad™ technology, patients just urinate on the iPad screen, then the software analyzes the sample and sends results directly to the physician. Use it at home, at work, at the park. Wherever your iPad can go, iStream goes with you.”

Flow says the next innovation will come with multitasking, which isn’t currently available on the iPad. “Imagine, emailing a recipe, watching the latest movie blockbuster, or reading your favorite novel, all while providing your pee sample. Who knew a urinalysis could be so much fun?”

The company expects iStream to launch by summer, pending approval by Apple (a spokesperson from Apple was not available for this story). Flow says depending on the success of the app, the company will follow up with other medical offerings, including iSwab, iSperm and iStool.

“Everyone says these web sites are online versions of the water cooler, so we went ahead and eliminated the actual water coolers,” said KMC Vice President of Compliance, Staffing and Totalitarianism, E. B. Skruge. “Boom! That’s what I’m talking about!”

Skruge noted that the organization had already blocked social web sites such as Facebook, Twitter and YouTube, as well as Google, Yahoo, CNN.com, ESPN.com, and “pretty much anything ‘.com.’” The goal, he said, is to eliminate any possible distractions for staff that could take them away from focusing on their jobs. When asked how employees could keep up with their hospital’s own Facebook page and Twitter feed if the sites were blocked, Skruge said he was unaware of any such “doo-hickeys.”

“No one should have time in their day to socialize, or keep up to date on news, or in any other way feel like a connected human being,” stated Skruge. “But it’s not just communicating online – we’re trying to eliminate all forms of unnecessary communication, such as the kind that takes place around the water cooler. If you want to talk to a coworker about anything other than work, save it for the weekend.”

The hospital has created a “Non-essential communication elimination committee” that made the recommendation to remove the facility’s water coolers. Skruge said the committee is also considering the elimination of break rooms, bus shelters, the cafeteria and any hallways with perceptible gathering spots. KMC Director of Internal Communications Jake Marley was unavailable for comment.

“The last time they had their conference here, sales were off the charts,” said Anton Chigurh, the chamber’s spokesperson. “The ran out of cranberry juice for all the crantinis.”

This year, officials have noted a shortage of vermouth, Maker’s Mark and Michelob Ultra Light. Some local liquor stores are trying to leverage the presence of more than 1,000 healthcare marketers. For example, at Bob’s Booze Shack, shoppers will find specials on “New Mover Nut Brown Ale” and “Twitter Tequilia.” Says owner Bob Boonesfarm:

“Hey, when these hospital marketers are in town, it’s like Christmas for us.”

“We’ve jumped head first into social media, and what we’ve learned through Facebook is truly eye opening,” said Becker. “Following the completion of the ‘What color are you?’ quiz, the result of ‘beige’ gives us tremendous insight into how to engage our community, and we’re acting immediately on that information.”

As a result of this discovery, the organization has embarked on a process to redesign its corporate identity to feature beige. Becker noted they hoped to reflect other findings from the quiz results, which read in part: “You are beige! You tend to be bland and boring, a mix of white and gray. You’re not much of a dreamer, preferring to mire yourself in mediocrity and sameness. You don’t laugh easily, are slow to the uptake, and generally blend into the woodwork.”

Becker also announced that based on the Facebook strategy, Pantaloon Hospital is now a fan of “sunshine” and “baby seals,” is trying to rob the electronics store in Mafia Wars, is most like the Jimmy Buffet song “Cheeseburger in Paradise,” and is a “mean” drunk.

In a tweet this weekend, Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa, the top-ranking Republican on the committee, commented: “Hosps having topless car wshs I get, but $347? That seems like a stretch #welovechuck.”

In May, the committee held hearings to explore inconsistencies in community benefit reporting related to bad debt and reimbursement gaps. Sources on the committee revealed that other issues have emerged since then, including:

• a health system in Massachusetts that listed $1,700 in community benefit related to neck rubs given randomly on the street.
• two hospitals, one in Duluth and another in Dallas, that both included the value of “wave you on through the intersection” gestures given by staff members.
• a physician-owned hospital in Utah counting $5,246 in community benefit for handing out free “National Hospital Week” tube socks at the Box Elder County Fair.
• more than a dozen hospitals across the country accounting for every time a staff member used the : ) emoticon in emails, assigning different values ranging from 1¢ to $7.99 per use.
• in perhaps the most egregious abuse, a hospital in Denver that assigned $76,400 in community benefit for all the times their staff members told someone that they had toilet paper on their shoe.

The hospitals in question could not be reached for a response by press time. A spokesperson for the American Hospital Association, Ted LeTed, said, “We believe strongly in supporting Senator Grassley and the committee in their efforts to clearly define community benefit reporting. There’s no reason hospitals can’t have topless car washes and meet the rule of law.”

“It’s our belief that you’ll get ten times the content value from posts that are one tenth the size,” says Smatter CEO Thomas Smidge.

The social media entrant will introduce a whole new vernacular as well. Instead of posting “tweets,” members will post “smatts,” forwarded posts will be called “resmatts” and group conversations will be “smatt-chats.”

Smidge says Smatter will address a different audience than Twitter, focusing on those who only have fleeting seconds to communicate with others, those who feel 140 characters is “bloated,” and those with attention deficit disorder. Smidge offered a sample conversation to illustrate the new tool:

@bigboob: hi there, I’m
@mrman: nice to mt u,
@bigboob: Smatter is awe
@mrman: you ain’t kidd
@bigboob: RS @mrman you a

The company, which is launching the new service later in the year, refused to release revenue projections, or outline a revenue model.

“Look, times are tough, and if you can’t prove the positive financial impact on this organization, then it’s time to go,” said Evertree Chief Financial Officer Al Dunlap. “Hey, even God needs to show an ROI.”

Dunlap added that additional hospital services and amenities could follow in the same path.

“Our patient rooms are still decorated using a 1972 mauve, and there’s talk of updating the decor,” he said. “Show me someone who can prove the financial return on a can of paint, and I’ll show you a magician.”

Evertree Hospital Pastor Bill Gramm was unavailable for comment. The hospital will be auctioning off pews, crosses and other religious artifacts on e-Bay beginning July 1.

The new combo position is gaining in popularity across the country, with more than a dozen major hospitals and systems advertising in the leading industry publication, Hospital Job Mashup. Industry trend watcher and three-time Tony award winner runner-up Chris Kendall says the move toward the combo position is likely here to stay.

“Other than the different educational backgrounds and technical skills required, these three disciplines are a natural combination,” says Kendall. “Given recent layoffs in the industry, hospitals are finding a plethora of qualified candidates with marketing, patient safety and facilities backgrounds.”

Kendall added that other combinations of positions, such as nurse/truck driver and neurosurgeon/photographer are also catching on, though not as fast.