For example, Sniffer believes this pageby “SupremeRobe” is actually Antony’s Scalia’s Pinterest page (justices would naturally want to hide their actual identities from the public so as not to jeopardize any future cases).

“I’m 99% certain this is Scalia, because it’s common knowledge he has a secret love of all things zebra,” says Sniffer. “These Pinterest posts show a side of him that can be very enlightening when it comes to how he perceives the limits of congressional power and the legality of a federally imposed insurance mandate.”

“Or take this Pinterest page, which we believe to be from Justice Ruth Ginsburg. Most people consider her fairly liberal-minded, but her proclivity for playing first-person shooter video games shows gives real insight into her views on states’ rights, not to mention the legal ramifications vis-a-vis interstate commerce regulation.”

Analyzing these and other Pinterest pages from the Supreme Court justices, Sniffer believes he can predict the outcome of the case.

“From what I see, the federal reform law is in serious jeopardy. Though they could just strip out the mandate. It’s also very likely they will keep the entire law intact. It will definitely be one of those three, I’m certain of it.”

“We have had a long history of success using focus groups to improve our advertising,” said Sheepherd CEO Jerry Feeble. “They have consistently provided invaluable advice, like how our ads should include more doctors in them, or how the logo should be much, much bigger. One person said she liked seeing lots of different fonts in each ad, so now we try to use at least 12 fonts in every ad! As targets of our marketing, they obviously have tremendous marketing expertise. So we thought, as patients of our clinical care, they would have the same tremendous expertise on surgical procedures. QED.”

The heart surgery focus group started with a 20-minute presentation from a cardiovascular surgeon on how open-heart surgery worked. Feeble said that while the surgeon initially complained that he would never be able to explain such an extraordinarily complex procedure to average people, let alone in less than an hour, the participants seemed to get the idea fairly quickly.

“You could tell from the blank stares on their faces that they were in deep thought, their minds racing with how to improve on our approach,” said Feeble. “As soon as we started asking questions, they provided feedback, which proves they know what they’re talking about.”

Feeble said that a number of the ideas stemming from the focus group will become policy at Sheepherd, such as having surgeons on roller skates for a more “fun” hospital experience, and enabling patients to begin the anesthesia process at home so they can go directly from the car to the operating room.

“Look, these folks may not have any medical expertise, but they happen to live in our market, and they give opinions when asked” said Feeble. “That makes them experts in our book.”

The first billboard, emblazoned with ‘Text 24347824 to find out our ER Wait Times,’ generated a 40% increase in ER patient volume the first day.  “They couldn’t get the ambulances here fast enough,” Chief Marketing Officer Handley McNeil noted.  “Within one week, we were the top ER volume in the state. It was amazing, especially since our ER wait times actually went through the roof!”

Emboldened by that success, they launched a follow-up effort titled ‘Picture Yourself at CNUMC.’ This phase of the campaign billboard offered a prize: ‘Tweet a picture of yourself driving by this billboard and you’ll be entered to win $100,000!’

“This was a great touch,” enthused McNeil, “It allowed people to real-time picture share via a picture-based photo site we’d set up. All you needed was a smartphone to enter!”

The winner of the contest, Sam Fisherton, was “shocked and amazed,” when he found out he won. “This will really help out,” Mr. Fisherton said from his rehabilitation hospital bed.  “One less hip I have to pay for!”

The campaign has been so successful in raising ED volumes that McNeil is planning a third phase featuring billboards with QR codes on Interstate 37.

“It will definitely take some skill to use a QR code scanner while cruising 75 miles an hour, but that makes it more fun,” said McNeil. “This combination of new technologies and traditional ads is literally bringing bodies to our front door.”

According to Casey Nomenclature, spokesperson for the Healthcare Observation Naming Consortium (HONC), this designation was long overdue.

“Of course, everyone is familiar with American Heart Month in February, or National Breast Cancer Awareness Month in October, which are very important observations,” said Nomenclature. “But people really aren’t aware of the more than 178 observations recognized by U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. For example, did you know October is National Medical Librarians Month? We just thought it was important people were aware of all the monthly designations that help people become aware.”

Other important, but lesser known, designations include:

• National Folic Acid Awareness Week (January 2-8)
• Sports Eye Safety Month (April)
• Mediterranean Diet Month (May)
• National School Backpack Awareness Day (September 15)
• Fruits and Veggies – More Matters Month (September)
• National Rip Current Awareness Week (June 5 -11)

Nomenclature also notes that people need to remember all of the designations related to healthcare workers, such as National Medical Transcriptionist Week (May), National Nurses in Staff Development Week (July) and Nuclear Medicine Week (October).

“Thank goodness for Eldridge Macintosh, a founding member of HONC, who made the controversial decision in 1947 to allow for multiple observations for the same month, week or day, which opened the door to all these very important designations,” says Nomenclature. “From our perspective, the more designations we can make, the more the country will pay attention to these important issues.”

Take the new Tyler T. Tylerton Center for Knuckle Replacement Surgery in Chicago, IL. The “TTT Center,” as system marketing lead Jonathan Sampson J. Johnson calls it, is part of the Mary Ginger Bone and Joint Institute, which is housed in the Western Southside Chicago Medical Center, which is part of the Prairie Meadows Health System, a wholly-owned subsidiary of PMS Health LLC.

“There are so many advantages to using multiple names, like being able to come up with different logos every time,” says Johnson. “Our docs love designing logos, and this gives them an outlet. It also lets our designers spread their wings and really get creative by coming up with new brochure designs with every campaign. Our marketing plan looks like a kaleidoscope of messages, strategies and tactics. It’s like Christmas every day.”

Johnson said the organization tried a unified branding approach in the early 2000s, but found it too mundane.

“The signage was all the same, we only had one website, even the hospital bills all looked like they came from the same place. Where’s the inspiration in that?” says Johnson. “Our patients love trying to figure out exactly how it all fits together – it’s like a little game, like pocket Scrabble or something.”

Johnson said that while the TTT Center sets a new internal record with a five-level naming derivation, the organization is hoping to go to an unprecedented sixth level by co-branding with a system in the northern suburbs.

“And just wait until we launch our ACO – the possibilities are endless!”

• 10. Hospital adopts McDonald’s style dollar menu
  In a nod to the growing prevalence of high-deductible health insurance, Wilhelm Hospital announced a new dollar menu for its healthcare services. “Right now there aren’t many services we can offer for a dollar – maybe band-aid application,” said hospital spokesperson John Cash. “But we need to meet the demands of the cost-conscious consumer. We’re looking into ‘frequent customer’ punch card for joint replacement surgery and new programs such as ‘Emergency Room Tuesdays’ as well,” adds Cash.
• 9. Consultant solves healthcare reform – future to bring “healing gnomes”
  A healthcare consultant announced in November that after two months of in-depth research, quantum analysis and “various voodoo rituals,” he has uncovered what the impact of federal reform will be on the healthcare industry. Says Kent Koucou of Magic Eight Ball Consultants, Esq: “Among other changes, in two years care will be delivered by so-called ‘healing gnomes, and hospitals will be paid with gold bouillon by invisible creatures from another planet called ‘Quark Monkeys.’”
• 8. Research firm announces new award for hospitals with the most awards
  In August, Pilingon and Associates announced a new national award for hospitals who garner the most awards and highest rankings. Company CEO Randy Redundan said the top three hospitals will win the coveted “Most Bestest Of Everyone Times Infinity Award.”
• 7. New patient feedback site, “The Halotosis Hub,” launched.
  In June, patients began ranking the breath of their caregivers on the new “Halotosis Hub” website. Doctors’ breath can be rated on a scale of 1 to 4 (1 being ‘Cloud of Death’ and 4 being ‘Wintery Freshness’), and patients can provide feedback, like this comment from BroomHilda67 “Dr. Meyer’s breath was like what I imagine nuclear fallout to be like, tinged with a hint of cinnamon.”
• 6. Health system develops “plainspeak” brand identity system
  To help combat patient confusion with such common medical terms as “gastroenterology,” “vascular” and “emergent,” Straight Health System announced a new policy to identify key facilities and departments in a more straightforward way. For example, the system’s new imaging center is called “The Using Radiation and Other Forms of Molecular Waves to See the Inside of Your Body Center,” The hospital’s emergency department has been renamed “The Only Come Here When You’re Bleeding Out an Orifice or Missing a Limb Room,” and the community clinic is dubbed “The Clinic for Nasty Rashes You Don’t Want Your Neighbor to Know About.” 
• 5. Urgent care promotes “Smile-O-Meter” that gauges staff friendliness
  Following the trend of promoting emergency room wait times on the Internet, SoFast Urgent Care announced in October that they would be publishing a “Smile-O-Meter” indicating the relative mood of their staff. “If people are going to wait a ridiculous amount of time for urgent care, we feel it’s imperative we also inform them in advance about how friendly or cranky the doctor or nurse is likely to be, once it’s their turn to be seen,” said Melanie Colly, office manager for the SoFast location in Fresno. “It’s also a great way for us to control patient inflow. Let’s be honest, no one wants to get checked for strep throat when Marge at reception hasn’t had her coffee yet.”
• 4. Legislator proposes law forbidding hospital employees from talking to their neighbors
  A state legislator from Tennessee has submitted a bill that would prevent hospital employees from talking about their organizations to friends and neighbors. “Why ban hospital advertising, when research shows consumers seek information first from their friends and family?” says state senator Richard Large. “Consumers should make healthcare decisions in a vacuum – that’s the American way.”
• 3. Hospital launches poor health habits campaign to help drive growth
  To combat dropping inpatient volumes St. Marmaduke Hospital, initiated a campaign to create more sick people. In February, the organization launched the “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” campaign using outdoor, television and print advertising to promote poor health habits. In one ad, a middle-aged man with cigarette in mouth and bottle of whiskey in hand is shown eyeing a triple cheeseburger with double side of fries. The headline reads “Go ahead, you only live once,” followed by the tagline “We’re here when you need us – St. Marmaduke Hospital.”
• 2. New healthcare microblogging service ‘TootSuite’ to compete with Twitter for GI related conversations
  In hopes of leveraging the volume of hot air in the social media healthcare space, gutsy intestinal marketing technology company XYZPDQ announced a new social network called ‘TootSuite.’ “TootSuite will enable GI patients get consistently bigger and more regular downloads from their GI specialists”. said company spokesperson Billy Bowel. “The application provides an easy solution to the current backup of gastroenterological information patients so desperately need.
• 1. Doctor launches pre-emptive lawsuit against patients for the possibility of posting negative comments
  To combat the potential posting of negative comments at online sites like Yelp, Dr. Noah Clue, a family practitioner from Albany, in November brought a class-action lawsuit against all his future and potential patients. “I know how bad my care really is, and I can be a complete asshat when I want to be, so these comments are almost inevitable,” said Dr. Clue. “This lawsuit will help ensure my patients can’t spread the word as easily.”

Hospital spokesperson Teresa Tacke said that while the program has led to some awkward designations, the program overall has been a huge success.

“If a patient wants to check in with every GI visit, more power to him,” she said. “We don’t see anything wrong with sharing with the world your every blockage or endoscopic procedure. In today’s world, exposure is the new privacy.”

“The technology is amazing, and easy to use,” says spokesperson Peter Flow. “Thanks to our exclusive P2Pad™ technology, patients just urinate on the iPad screen, then the software analyzes the sample and sends results directly to the physician. Use it at home, at work, at the park. Wherever your iPad can go, iStream goes with you.”

Flow says the next innovation will come with multitasking, which isn’t currently available on the iPad. “Imagine, emailing a recipe, watching the latest movie blockbuster, or reading your favorite novel, all while providing your pee sample. Who knew a urinalysis could be so much fun?”

The company expects iStream to launch by summer, pending approval by Apple (a spokesperson from Apple was not available for this story). Flow says depending on the success of the app, the company will follow up with other medical offerings, including iSwab, iSperm and iStool.

“Like the legislator in Vermont, we were flabbergasted that hospitals actually have to attract patients with marketing and advertising,” said WiseBucks editor Joe Duhh. “That’s how regular businesses operate, sure. But hospitals? That would be like saying politicians have to spend money to get elected – doesn’t it just happen?”

Last year’s award-winning study, which uncovered that hospitals are actually businesses, won WiseBucks the coveted Most Obvious Reporting On News (or MORON) award. Its findings, which caused endless congressional hearings and helped fuel the grassroots “Band-Aid Party” movement, showed that:

• despite the fact that most hospitals are “non-profit,” they still must take in more money then they spend
• revenue from many hospital patients – such as those with Medicare insurance – does not cover the cost of serving those patients
• shockingly, some hospitals have actual waterfalls and valet parking

WiseBucks has won acclaim for its past investigating reporting, including:

• “Uncovering the truth: the sun rises in the east”
• “This just in: gravity works.”
• “Money does not, in fact, grow on trees – an investigative report.”

Waynesville Health director of marketing, Garth Sanders, remarked, “We know for a fact that reaching women is critical to the success of almost any healthcare marketing campaign. They wear the pants, so to speak, when it comes to making healthcare decisions. We needed a campaign that not only spoke to women, but was spoken by women. After a month of brainstorming we came up with ‘That’s what she said,’ a campaign that focuses on testimonials from women who’ve experienced the compassionate care of our hospital and clinics.”

While outdoor, print and television advertising played an important role in the campaign, the element that really took off was social media, specifically twitter. “We asked consumers to tweet about the healthcare decisions they’re faced with,” said Sanders. “And, we were stunned at how quickly our #ThatsWhatSheSaid hash tag took off. We see hundreds, if not thousands, of tweets and retweets each day.”

“We don’t try to understand every tweet that rolls in,” Sanders added. “They make sense within the context of their respective conversations. We’re just excited to see our brand penetrate the market and social media community in such powerful manner.”

A quick search of the #ThatsWhatSheSaid hash tag reveals the impressive reach of this campaign. Results include:

• It’s been a while since you’ve used it that way. #thatswhatshesaid
• You’ve been at it for hours are you finished yet? #thatswhatshesaid
• This outcome is most unimpressive. #thatswhatshesaid
• Sweet mother of pearl! I don’t even know what to say! #thatswhatshesaid

“Credit must be given where it’s due,” Sanders added. “Our graphic design intern, Jeremy, really drove this concept. Fresh out of college, we were floored by his innovative thinking. Not to mention his modesty.” When the Weekly Probe caught up with Jeremy during his holiday break we asked for his thoughts on the campaign.

“I don’t feel like I can take total credit for the concept,” Jeremy commented. “In fact I’m a little shocked at how the team latched on to it. During a brainstorm session someone suggested a lengthy title and Garth said, ‘That’s way too long.’ I replied, ‘That’s what she said.’ And the rest is history, I guess.”

Modest indeed.