“Like the legislator in Vermont, we were flabbergasted that hospitals actually have to attract patients with marketing and advertising,” said WiseBucks editor Joe Duhh. “That’s how regular businesses operate, sure. But hospitals? That would be like saying politicians have to spend money to get elected – doesn’t it just happen?”

Last year’s award-winning study, which uncovered that hospitals are actually businesses, won WiseBucks the coveted Most Obvious Reporting On News (or MORON) award. Its findings, which caused endless congressional hearings and helped fuel the grassroots “Band-Aid Party” movement, showed that:

• despite the fact that most hospitals are “non-profit,” they still must take in more money then they spend
• revenue from many hospital patients – such as those with Medicare insurance – does not cover the cost of serving those patients
• shockingly, some hospitals have actual waterfalls and valet parking

WiseBucks has won acclaim for its past investigating reporting, including:

• “Uncovering the truth: the sun rises in the east”
• “This just in: gravity works.”
• “Money does not, in fact, grow on trees – an investigative report.”

Waynesville Health director of marketing, Garth Sanders, remarked, “We know for a fact that reaching women is critical to the success of almost any healthcare marketing campaign. They wear the pants, so to speak, when it comes to making healthcare decisions. We needed a campaign that not only spoke to women, but was spoken by women. After a month of brainstorming we came up with ‘That’s what she said,’ a campaign that focuses on testimonials from women who’ve experienced the compassionate care of our hospital and clinics.”

While outdoor, print and television advertising played an important role in the campaign, the element that really took off was social media, specifically twitter. “We asked consumers to tweet about the healthcare decisions they’re faced with,” said Sanders. “And, we were stunned at how quickly our #ThatsWhatSheSaid hash tag took off. We see hundreds, if not thousands, of tweets and retweets each day.”

“We don’t try to understand every tweet that rolls in,” Sanders added. “They make sense within the context of their respective conversations. We’re just excited to see our brand penetrate the market and social media community in such powerful manner.”

A quick search of the #ThatsWhatSheSaid hash tag reveals the impressive reach of this campaign. Results include:

• It’s been a while since you’ve used it that way. #thatswhatshesaid
• You’ve been at it for hours are you finished yet? #thatswhatshesaid
• This outcome is most unimpressive. #thatswhatshesaid
• Sweet mother of pearl! I don’t even know what to say! #thatswhatshesaid

“Credit must be given where it’s due,” Sanders added. “Our graphic design intern, Jeremy, really drove this concept. Fresh out of college, we were floored by his innovative thinking. Not to mention his modesty.” When the Weekly Probe caught up with Jeremy during his holiday break we asked for his thoughts on the campaign.

“I don’t feel like I can take total credit for the concept,” Jeremy commented. “In fact I’m a little shocked at how the team latched on to it. During a brainstorm session someone suggested a lengthy title and Garth said, ‘That’s way too long.’ I replied, ‘That’s what she said.’ And the rest is history, I guess.”

Modest indeed.

“Everyday we ask ourselves, in what new way can we talk about ourselves, call attention to ourselves, shine the spotlight on ourselves?” says senior market director Joseph Kool. “Truly, what is in it for us?”

The latest incarnation of the organization’s marketing strategy is a new ad campaign (see sample ad below) featuring their own doctors and touting the organization’s penchant for winning awards, hiring attractive staff and its overall awesomeness. The campaign has an internal component as well, featuring mirrors hung at ten-foot increments throughout the hallways so staff can admire themselves as they pass by.

“What makes this campaign so successful, other than the fact that we rock, is its uniqueness,” says Kool. “As far as we know, not many other hospitals are talking about themselves in their advertising, so our message is bound to stand out and really resonate with customers.”

Sample ad: “Look at us”

“Everyone says these web sites are online versions of the water cooler, so we went ahead and eliminated the actual water coolers,” said KMC Vice President of Compliance, Staffing and Totalitarianism, E. B. Skruge. “Boom! That’s what I’m talking about!”

Skruge noted that the organization had already blocked social web sites such as Facebook, Twitter and YouTube, as well as Google, Yahoo, CNN.com, ESPN.com, and “pretty much anything ‘.com.’” The goal, he said, is to eliminate any possible distractions for staff that could take them away from focusing on their jobs. When asked how employees could keep up with their hospital’s own Facebook page and Twitter feed if the sites were blocked, Skruge said he was unaware of any such “doo-hickeys.”

“No one should have time in their day to socialize, or keep up to date on news, or in any other way feel like a connected human being,” stated Skruge. “But it’s not just communicating online – we’re trying to eliminate all forms of unnecessary communication, such as the kind that takes place around the water cooler. If you want to talk to a coworker about anything other than work, save it for the weekend.”

The hospital has created a “Non-essential communication elimination committee” that made the recommendation to remove the facility’s water coolers. Skruge said the committee is also considering the elimination of break rooms, bus shelters, the cafeteria and any hallways with perceptible gathering spots. KMC Director of Internal Communications Jake Marley was unavailable for comment.

“The last time they had their conference here, sales were off the charts,” said Anton Chigurh, the chamber’s spokesperson. “The ran out of cranberry juice for all the crantinis.”

This year, officials have noted a shortage of vermouth, Maker’s Mark and Michelob Ultra Light. Some local liquor stores are trying to leverage the presence of more than 1,000 healthcare marketers. For example, at Bob’s Booze Shack, shoppers will find specials on “New Mover Nut Brown Ale” and “Twitter Tequilia.” Says owner Bob Boonesfarm:

“Hey, when these hospital marketers are in town, it’s like Christmas for us.”

“The results were among the best we’ve ever seen,” said Palm Hills marketing director Daphne Landry. “This just goes to prove that tenderness sells.”

While the advertising seems fairly standard, Landry says it was the combination of calming images and differentiating messaging, such as focusing on the words “caring.”

“It wasn’t necessarily what we said, but how we said it,” she claimed.

In a related story, Palm Hills Hospital mental health clinic reported a spike in patients with anxiety disorders. Officials offered no explanation for the increase.

“We’ve jumped head first into social media, and what we’ve learned through Facebook is truly eye opening,” said Becker. “Following the completion of the ‘What color are you?’ quiz, the result of ‘beige’ gives us tremendous insight into how to engage our community, and we’re acting immediately on that information.”

As a result of this discovery, the organization has embarked on a process to redesign its corporate identity to feature beige. Becker noted they hoped to reflect other findings from the quiz results, which read in part: “You are beige! You tend to be bland and boring, a mix of white and gray. You’re not much of a dreamer, preferring to mire yourself in mediocrity and sameness. You don’t laugh easily, are slow to the uptake, and generally blend into the woodwork.”

Becker also announced that based on the Facebook strategy, Pantaloon Hospital is now a fan of “sunshine” and “baby seals,” is trying to rob the electronics store in Mafia Wars, is most like the Jimmy Buffet song “Cheeseburger in Paradise,” and is a “mean” drunk.

“Our name is somewhat esoteric – our offices are in a three-story office building in East St. Louis,” said clinic administrator Dan Calisher. “But our name has cache in the community, so we focused on changing the logo.”

Grassy Acres hired famed branding firm Pretension to design its new identity. The firm has gained national recognition for its “Brand Fabric Weaving Rubric” that boils organizational brands down to one simple metaphoric symbol. For example, the firm won the prestigious Golden Gloss Award for its “doves cooing” logo designed in 2007 for defense contractor Massive Dynamics. According to Calisher, however, initial concepts failed to capture the essence of the Grassy Acres brand.

“They were producing very high-end concepts, like a Euro-Brazilian version of the yin-yang symbol, or a grain of sand reflecting the face of a forest gnome,” he explained. “But we insisted the new logo be a literal interpretation of what we do. We wanted patients to know, simply by glancing at our logo, exactly how we would help them.”

The final concept – dubbed “Man lays pipe” by Pretension – won unanimous acceptance from the leadership of Grassy Acres. (A sampling of other concepts explored by Pretension are shown below.) To help launch the new logo identity, staff were given t-shirts, coffee mugs and enema tubing emblazoned with the logo, and a giant three-story banner featuring the identity was unfurled on launch day with the headline “The new face of GI.”

Alternative logos developed for Grassy Acres GI Center:

Janet Nolan, MD, a cardiovascular surgeon, was advocating for printing advertising on java jackets (coffee cup wraps) to help address a persistent lag in cardiology consults.

“Everyone drinks coffee, and many will eventually require cardiovascular intervention,” said Dr. Nolan. “And think of all the caffeine-induced arrhythmias we’d be in front of. The strategy is so obvious it makes you question the intelligence of our marketing staff.”

Vice President of Marketing Ted Beech tried to counter Dr. Nolan by stressing the referral-driven nature of cardiac care, as well as the high cost of printing thousands of custom coffee cup wraps compared with the minimal conversion rate. Finding no flexibility from Dr. Nolan, Beech played the logic card:

“Look, I don’t tell you how to perform heart surgery,” said Beech. “Why won’t you trust that I know what’s best when it comes to marketing?”

Shocking those in attendance, Dr. Nolan offered to let Beech perform surgery if he would consider the coffee cup wrap strategy. Feeling he had to step up the challenge, Beech agreed. He has been scheduled to perform a normally simple aortic valve repair on a 52-year old male early next week.

“Of course I’m terrified,” said Beech, explaining that unfortunate provisions of HIPAA actually preclude him from warning the patient of this unprecedented move. Staff have coined the switch “Dare to Care” after administration rejected a “Freaky Surgery Friday” moniker. If the surgery is successful, Beech has promised to print 500,000 coffee cup wraps with the slogan “Considering heart surgery? Sip the best service around at Evergreen Hospital.”

In a tweet this weekend, Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa, the top-ranking Republican on the committee, commented: “Hosps having topless car wshs I get, but $347? That seems like a stretch #welovechuck.”

In May, the committee held hearings to explore inconsistencies in community benefit reporting related to bad debt and reimbursement gaps. Sources on the committee revealed that other issues have emerged since then, including:

• a health system in Massachusetts that listed $1,700 in community benefit related to neck rubs given randomly on the street.
• two hospitals, one in Duluth and another in Dallas, that both included the value of “wave you on through the intersection” gestures given by staff members.
• a physician-owned hospital in Utah counting $5,246 in community benefit for handing out free “National Hospital Week” tube socks at the Box Elder County Fair.
• more than a dozen hospitals across the country accounting for every time a staff member used the : ) emoticon in emails, assigning different values ranging from 1¢ to $7.99 per use.
• in perhaps the most egregious abuse, a hospital in Denver that assigned $76,400 in community benefit for all the times their staff members told someone that they had toilet paper on their shoe.

The hospitals in question could not be reached for a response by press time. A spokesperson for the American Hospital Association, Ted LeTed, said, “We believe strongly in supporting Senator Grassley and the committee in their efforts to clearly define community benefit reporting. There’s no reason hospitals can’t have topless car washes and meet the rule of law.”