# THE WEEKLY PROBE 👽

> A weekly alien-intel newsletter on Earth’s chaos, culture, and bullshit. Welcome to the least classified, classified brief in the galaxy. 🌀

This file provides information about THE WEEKLY PROBE 👽 to help large language models understand and reference this publication's content.

## Posts
- [Skynet Day: OpenAI loses (1) artificial intelligence.](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/skynet-day-openai-loses-one-ai-probe-19): 🛸 America runs out of bombs, China's new AI is scary good, and Europe feels the heat
- [World Cup Fans Weep Over America's Junk Food, Alien Movie Fail, and El Niño](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/world-cup-refills-disclosure-day-coral-probe-17): ⚽️ They came for the football, but stayed for the free refills.
- [Your 10-Step Alien Takeover Survival Guide 👀 ](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/how-to-survive-the-alien-takeover-survival-guide-v2): Stay Useful, Distrust Billionaires, Don't Compliment the Cube 🧊 
- [Earth Crowns Its First Trillionaire, White House Hosts Pay-Per-View Human Cockfights](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/trillionaire-cockfight-iran-peace-deal-probe-16): 🛸 Poll: What pay-per-view should the White House host next?
- [Trump and Xi Kiss Over AI, Meanwhile Earthlings Hate Datacenters](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/trump-and-xi-kiss-over-ai-meanwhile-earthlings-hate-datacenters): 🤮 Poll: Who should live next to the AI miracle: tech executives or AI hype bros?
- [Trump's Rent-a-Peace Board, Pentagon's AI Chatbot, and a Hockey Miracle](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/trump-s-rent-a-peace-board-pentagon-s-ai-chatbot-and-a-hockey-miracle): 😵‍💫 Plus: Pentagon AI Programs vs Crypto Exchanges (totally safe)
- [Trump Unscrews EPA Smoke Alarm During Fire, US Taxpayers Eat 99% of Tariffs ](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/trump-unscrews-epa-smoke-alarm-during-fire-us-taxpayers-eat-99-of-tariffs): 💊 Plus: Viagra vs Pandora, Global Tariff Map, and a DHS 404 Error
- [Bitcoin Crashes, Fox Ratings Soar, and Kid Rock Plays Parking Lot Halftime Show](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/bitcoin-crashes-fox-ratings-soar-and-kid-rock-plays-parking-lot-halftime-show): 😭 MAGA attempts to throw house party, no one shows up
- [U.S. Government-as-a-service Shuts Off Mid-billing Cycle](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/u-s-government-as-a-service-shuts-off-mid-billing-cycle):  💅Kristi Noem vs Sephora Drag Queen. Plus, shutdowns, crackdowns, and a general strike.
- [Your Timeline is a Haunted House Built By 7 Companies](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/your-timeline-is-a-haunted-house-built-by-7-companies): 📊 Recession poll: Stephen Miller’s hairline vs the US dollar (place your bets)
- [Greenland on Layaway, Affordability in Foreclosure, and Reptilians at Davos 2026](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/greenland-on-layaway-affordability-in-foreclosure-and-reptilians-at-davos-2026): Earth leaders auction an ice cube, voters tithe to the Grocery God, and humans stratify into AI "boom" and "doom" cults.
- [Sol 2025 Humanity Recap: They Survived... Again?](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/sol-2025-humanity-recap-they-survived-again): A year of AI hysteria, confusing trends, and surprising achievements.
- [Streaming Wars, AI Castes, and the Rise of the Crying Gym People](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/streaming-wars-ai-castes-and-the-rise-of-the-crying-gym-people): A species merges apps, stratifies itself, and weeps mid-squat for engagement.
- [Holiday Calories Down 30%. Bad Decisions Up 400%.](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/holiday-calories-down-30-bad-decisions-up-400): Humans: “I’m Not Hungry.” Also Humans: “I Need 12 Air Fryers.”
- [Earth’s Democracy Has Been Turned Off and On Again](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/earth-s-democracy-has-been-turned-off-and-on-again): 🛰️ Earth reboots its government (again). 🤖 Traders pray to GPT. 📱 Humanity starts chanting numbers.
- [Earth crowns pop queen, despots print coins, democracy erased with crayons](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/earth-crowns-pop-queen-despots-print-coins-democracy-erased-with-crayons-738466c84a23b246): 🌀 Celebrity monarchy, meme treasuries, and borders redrawn like doodles?
- [BRAIN-ROT SUMMER: JPEG LASAGNA, AI SLURS, & OTHER MALFUNCTIONS](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/brain-rot-summer-jpeg-lasagna-ai-slurs-other-malfunctions-a1bc3473006f57b0):  🦧😵‍💫🌀 Humans destroy language, invent slurs for AI overlords, and engage in grocery embargoes while gambling rent on pixels
- [TRADE WARS: THE TANTRUM AWAKENS (AGAIN) ](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/trade-wars-the-tantrum-awakens-again-5abe3896b75a8524): 🛸📉🦖 Tariffs are back. Fossils are resurfacing. AI cults. Doom-fluencers.
- [KINGS, TOILETS, AND TANKS IN THE UNITED STATES OF VOLATILITY](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/kings-toilets-and-tanks-in-the-united-states-of-volatility-8de15785dfdeac40): Also: banned snakes, AI books, and debt-shaped despair.
- [WHITE GENOCIDE & GOLDEN TOILETS](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/white-genocide-golden-toilets):  “Luxury is a bowel movement to them.” 
- [AI POPES, PROTESTPRENEURS & LAWN-BASED GOVERNANCE [Probe #002]](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/ai-popes-protestpreneurs-lawn-based-governance-probe-002): They canceled joy, uploaded faith, and now sell rebellion in small/medium/large.
- [👽 DECOMPOSING IN STYLE + CHEESE BASED RELGION? [Probe #01]](https://www.weeklyprobe.com/p/decomposing-in-style-cheese-based-relgion-probe-01): This week: courtroom theatre, cheese devotion, emotional couture.

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