THE WEEKLY PROBE

Join 200+ other apes receiving alien intel on Earth’s weekly chaos, culture, and bullshit. 🦧

"This isn’t a newsletter. It’s an intelligence failure in progress.”

This Week on Planet Dumb

No progress detected. Confidence remains high.

Planetary Status Check

All systems nominally failing.

Humans Create Hierarchies

Using algorithms and call it progress.

Epstein Hot Potato

Elites play hot potato with unsealed documents. The Council anticipates escalating discomfort among implicated figures.

AI Popes?

The faithful now receive salvation push notifications. Religion now available in binary.

Classified Transmission

You are not meant to see these newsletters.

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HOMO CRINGEUS 🦧

Get signals on Earthlings’ most irrational behaviors and events.

LATEST PROBES 🛸

Dec 30, 2025

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5 min read

Sol 2025 Humanity Recap: They Survived... Again?

A year of AI hysteria, confusing trends, and surprising achievements.

Warp Files

Zarthon-7

RECENT BRIEFINGS 🌀

Streaming Wars, AI Castes, and the Rise of the Crying Gym People

A species merges apps, stratifies itself, and weeps mid-squat for engagement.

Weekly Probe

Holiday Calories Down 30%. Bad Decisions Up 400%.

Humans: “I’m Not Hungry.” Also Humans: “I Need 12 Air Fryers.”