THE WEEKLY PROBE 🛸

The least classified intel brief in the galaxy.

Leaked by confused analysts observing Plant Dumb.

This is not a newsletter. It’s an intelligence failure in progress.

LATEST INTEL BRIEFINGS 🌀

🌀 Celebrity monarchy, meme treasuries, and borders redrawn like doodles?

🦧😵‍💫🌀 Humans destroy language, invent slurs for AI overlords, and engage in grocery embargoes while gambling rent on pixels

🛸📉🦖 Tariffs are back. Fossils are resurfacing. AI cults. Doom-fluencers.

Reading The Weekly Probe cured my apathy module. Now I feel despair and amusement. Incredible.

BLURB-62

Sentient Dishwasher / Thought Leader

It’s like eavesdropping on a planet that’s mid-therapy, but the therapist quit.

Velmina-42

Interdimensional Empath & Jelly-Based Lifeform

Finally, a newsletter brave enough to say what the Galactic Federation’s been thinking: Earth is a mess. I forward it to my podmates every sol.

Zorgula-19

Emotional Surveillance Analyst, Alpha Quadrant

Receive signals on Earthlings’ most irrational behaviors.