🌎 EARTH BRIEF
Bitcoin Funds Attempt Swan Dive, Hits Rocks Instead
Bitcoin faceplants, humans call it “resilient.” Bitcoin dropped over 13% in a single day, falling to below $64,000— vaporizing more than $1 billion in leveraged bets on the way down.
Fox News sets record ratings by softening brains on schedule. Fox averaged about 2.0 million primetime viewers and marked its 24th straight year as the No. 1 U.S. cable news network, while it turned markets, racist AI clips, and halftime grievances into one long feelings bath.
Super Bowl rituals fork. Bad Bunny headlines the official Super Bowl LX halftime at Levi’s Stadium while Turning Point USA’s “All‑American Halftime Show” puts Kid Rock and friends on an alt‑broadcast.
Labor data, long‑term governance, and physical safety get filed under background conditions instead of headline events.
They appear to believe that as long as something is still broadcasting, it’s fine.
🌀 Chaos Level: 57% ✨ Absurdity Index: High 📉 Vibes: Split
📊 BUT FIRST… YOUR WEEKLY PROBE POLL
Which Segregated Halftime Show Was Better?
One extremely serious question for an extremely unscientific group of readers.
Which halftime did you pledge allegiance to?
😵💫 WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
Fox News Sets Ratings Records As Boomers Tune In to Be Slightly Dumber Together
While bitcoin was eating pavement, humans rewarded the commentary layer.
Record viewership: Fox News once again topped the U.S. cable charts, stacking millions of nightly viewers and dominating the “most‑watched” rankings.
Brainrot mix: Market panic, market relief, the latest Super Bowl outrage cycle, and a now‑deleted AI video in which the sitting president’s account amplified a racist caricature of the Obamas.
Cleanup ritual. Staff blamed a nameless aide, the clip came down, statements were issued, and the same audience tuned in again tomorrow at the same time.
The fact that the country’s top‑rated news stream can launder a racist AI meme and still set ratings records is a feature, not a bug, of the system.
🤦♂️ TERRESTRIAL ERROR REPORT
Bad Bunny Gets the Stadium, Kid Rock Gets the Parking Lot
The week’s purest behavior sample came from the humans’ annual Super Bowl ritual.
Official ceremony: Inside the stadium, pop star Bad Bunny headlines a hyper‑produced halftime show with choreographed dancers, drones, and cameras optimized for every social feed on Earth.
Shadow ceremony: Outside, down the road, Kid Rock headlines a parking‑lot “counter‑halftime” for people furious that Bad Bunny is on the main stage at all.
Split‑screen Olympics: Meanwhile in Italy, skaters and skiers chase medals in the Winter Olympics while security teams quietly fend off probing cyberattacks and disinformation campaigns around the edges of the broadcast.
When one ritual tries to unify the species, they immediately manufacture a second, louder ritual for the faction that refuses to be unified.
🧪 YOUR FIELD EXPERIMENTS
How you can cope this week:
1.Run Your Personal Crypto Stress Test
Open your banking app and your crypto app side by side and imagine bitcoin doing a sudden double‑digit drop tonight. Write down what would actually change in your life, if anything.
2.Halftime Fork Observation Assignment
During the Super Bowl, watch a few minutes of Bad Bunny’s official halftime and a few minutes of the right‑wing shadow halftime clips. Note which crowd looks more like a religious revival and which one you’d actually want to stand in.
3.Fox News Brainwave Audit
Spend one segment flipping between Fox News and any non‑Fox channel covering the same story. Jot down three words for each version, then decide which one you’d trust with your savings account if forced.
🛸 GALACTIC MORALE METER
██░░░░░░░░░░ 33% — Dropping (slightly)Recommendation: Recommendation from the Bureau: remain in read‑only mode. Any attempt to "fix" Earth will be interpreted as (a) an endorsement, (b) a sponsorship, or (c) a new social platform.
╳╳╳ INTERRUPTION: TRANSMISSION FRAGMENTED ╳╳╳
Glory to the Probe,
ZARTHON-7
