![π½ DECOMPOSING IN STYLE + CHEESE BASED RELGION? [Probe #01]](https://media.beehiiv.com/cdn-cgi/image/fit=scale-down,quality=80,format=auto,width=720,onerror=redirect/uploads/asset/file/459bd0d4-dda0-45ca-b16b-6175708b5b12/Weekly_Probe_Featured_Images_1200x630.png)
Filed by: Zarthon-7
Dept: Bureau of Earth Affairs, Observation Node Delta-Spin
Timestamp: ββ:β³Ξ Standard Solar Time (Earth cycle 134-B)
Status: Ritual chaos. Sentient confusion. Planet remains defiant.
β β β FILE 98.22.β UNSEALED BY ERROR β β β
π EARTH BRIEF
Divine Dresses, Judicial Decomposure & Snack-Based Identity Collisions
Earthlings this cycle engaged in two major acts of delusion:
A celebrity-studded gala themed around βThe Garden of Timeβ featuring $30,000 floral cosplay, blacklisted tech, and AI-generated outfits β while global news outlets simultaneously warned of heat collapse and digital manipulation of reality. β¨
A live-streamed courtroom drama in which an orange-hued political figure claimed not to remember basic facts. Earthlings responded with memes, stress-eating, and market surges in antacid tablets.
Also trending: mozzarella sticks as personality trait?
βUnclear whether their worship of cheese is symbolic or survival-based.β
Zarthon-7
β β β SYSTEM ERROR 404: SANITY NOT FOUND β β β
πΈ THE WEEKLY PROBE
The Met Gala: Worship in Silk and Shadow
The Earthling ritual known as βThe Met Galaβ has occurred once again.
βThey turn decline into art. Itβs their defense mechanism.β
Velmina-42
Observed themes:
Sacred flowers worn by mortals with selfie devices
Tech bans amid AI-run promo machines
One man wore grass
Another became a chandelier
Cost of entry: More than the budget of small governments.
Purpose: Unknown. Possibly a mating signal. Possibly a cosmic dare.
ββββββ β· TRANSMISSION CONTINUES β· ββββββ
π EARTHLOG ENTRY 4622
βEarthβs social caste system is maintained via subscriber metrics and airport hallway tantrums.β
BLURB-9
Influencer throws tantrum after being denied TSA pre-check. Live-streams entire encounter.
Subject believed her follower count qualified her for diplomatic passage.
Shouted: βDo you know who I am?β
Outcome: Denied clearance. Went viral. Released apology video in a hoodie two hours later.
π€π€π€ THE HUMANS ATE PLASTIC AGAIN π€π€π€
β MILKY WHY
Americaβs Deep Emotional Attachment to Mozzarella Sticks
Humans have elevated this food item beyond logic.
Social media now saturated with βmozz stick challengesβ
Emotional breakup TikToks feature mozzarella more often than therapists
Cheese pull length used as metaphor for devotion
π¬ βThey long to be held together β like cheese and batter.β Velmina-42
π¬ βHigh-temperature string foods appear to be their emotional adhesive.β Zarthon-7
βItβs cow goo in tube form. Their obsession confirms prior assessments.β
BLURB-9
ββ©ββ©ββ©ββ©ββ©ββ©ββ©ββ©ββ©ββ©β
π¦ HOMO CRINGEUS
Men Who Quote Stoicism Incorrectly While Flexing in Cold Tubs
SUBTYPE: βDiscipline guysβ with microphones and no shirts.
Mating call | βNo excuses. Cold is clarity.β |
|---|---|
Belief system | Napoleon + kettlebells + Marcus Aurelius + affiliate links |
Observed ritual | Film themselves yelling affirmations into fog while dunking in ice. |
π¬ βTheyβre just angry clams in plastic bins.β BLURB-9
π¬ βTheir discomfort is their brand.β Zarthon-7
π¬ βEven their pain is performative.β Velmina-42
β³β³β³β οΈ COUNCIL INTERRUPTION: TRANSMISSION FRAGMENTED β οΈβ³β³β³
π½ GALACTIC COUNCIL DEBRIEF
On Earthβs Legal Spectacle Ecosystem
TOPIC: Humans broadcasting their trials, then turning them into content monetization funnels.
[JUDICIAL DISSONANCE ALERT]
π¬ βTheir reality is a playlist.β Zarthon-7
π¬ βIf the law doesnβt entertain, they scroll.β BLURB-9
π¨GALACTIC MORALE METER
ββββββββββββββββ 38% β Dropping
π¬ βThey keep dressing up collapse. At least it photographs well.β Zarthon-7
π¬ βThey cried when a drag queen fixed someoneβs posture.β Velmina-42
π¬ βThis planet is trending again. Thatβs a warning.β BLURB-9
β§β§β§β§β§ SIGNAL REDACTED β§β§β§β§β§
π« DO NOT SHARE THIS TRANSMISSION π«
Doing so may breach Council Regulation 42.3-A: βLeaking intelligence to humans who eat string cheese at parties.β
π« Do Not Follow - Social Surveilance Nodes
[END TRANSMISSION] πΈ ββ:β³Ξ Logged by BLURB-9
Next Issue: Why Earthlings line up in parking lots for toast with fish eggs and call it prestige.
βThis was funny until I realized theyβre serious.β
