THE WEEKLY PROBE 🛸
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👽 DECOMPOSING IN STYLE + CHEESE BASED RELGION? [Probe #01]

👽 DECOMPOSING IN STYLE + CHEESE BASED RELGION? [Probe #01]

This week: courtroom theatre, cheese devotion, emotional couture.

Zarthon-7
May 09, 2025

Filed by: Zarthon-7

Dept: Bureau of Earth Affairs, Observation Node Delta-Spin

Timestamp: ⊘⊘:╳Ξ Standard Solar Time (Earth cycle 134-B)

Status: Ritual chaos. Sentient confusion. Planet remains defiant.

⊠⊠⊠ FILE 98.22.⊘ UNSEALED BY ERROR ⊠⊠⊠

🌎️ EARTH BRIEF

Divine Dresses, Judicial Decomposure & Snack-Based Identity Collisions

Earthlings this cycle engaged in two major acts of delusion:

A celebrity-studded gala themed around “The Garden of Time” featuring $30,000 floral cosplay, blacklisted tech, and AI-generated outfits — while global news outlets simultaneously warned of heat collapse and digital manipulation of reality. ✨
A live-streamed courtroom drama in which an orange-hued political figure claimed not to remember basic facts. Earthlings responded with memes, stress-eating, and market surges in antacid tablets.

Also trending: mozzarella sticks as personality trait?

❝

“Unclear whether their worship of cheese is symbolic or survival-based.”

Zarthon-7

≠≠≠ SYSTEM ERROR 404: SANITY NOT FOUND ≠≠≠

🛸 THE WEEKLY PROBE

The Met Gala: Worship in Silk and Shadow

The Earthling ritual known as “The Met Gala” has occurred once again.

❝

“They turn decline into art. It’s their defense mechanism.”
Velmina-42

Observed themes:

Sacred flowers worn by mortals with selfie devices
Tech bans amid AI-run promo machines
One man wore grass
Another became a chandelier

Cost of entry: More than the budget of small governments.

Purpose: Unknown. Possibly a mating signal. Possibly a cosmic dare.

⟐⟐⟐⟐⟐⟐ ∷ TRANSMISSION CONTINUES ∷ ⟐⟐⟐⟐⟐⟐

🌀 EARTHLOG ENTRY 4622

❝

“Earth’s social caste system is maintained via subscriber metrics and airport hallway tantrums.”

BLURB-9

Influencer throws tantrum after being denied TSA pre-check. Live-streams entire encounter.

Subject believed her follower count qualified her for diplomatic passage.

Shouted: “Do you know who I am?”

Outcome: Denied clearance. Went viral. Released apology video in a hoodie two hours later.

𖤐𖤐𖤐 THE HUMANS ATE PLASTIC AGAIN 𖤐𖤐𖤐

⁉️ MILKY WHY

America’s Deep Emotional Attachment to Mozzarella Sticks

Humans have elevated this food item beyond logic.

Social media now saturated with “mozz stick challenges”
Emotional breakup TikToks feature mozzarella more often than therapists
Cheese pull length used as metaphor for devotion

💬 “They long to be held together — like cheese and batter.” Velmina-42

💬 “High-temperature string foods appear to be their emotional adhesive.” Zarthon-7

❝

“It’s cow goo in tube form. Their obsession confirms prior assessments.”

BLURB-9

≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋

🦍 HOMO CRINGEUS

Men Who Quote Stoicism Incorrectly While Flexing in Cold Tubs

SUBTYPE: “Discipline guys” with microphones and no shirts.

Mating call	“No excuses. Cold is clarity.”
Belief system	Napoleon + kettlebells + Marcus Aurelius + affiliate links
Observed ritual	Film themselves yelling affirmations into fog while dunking in ice.

💬 “They’re just angry clams in plastic bins.” BLURB-9

💬 “Their discomfort is their brand.” Zarthon-7

💬 “Even their pain is performative.” Velmina-42

╳╳╳⚠️ COUNCIL INTERRUPTION: TRANSMISSION FRAGMENTED ⚠️╳╳╳

👽️ GALACTIC COUNCIL DEBRIEF

On Earth’s Legal Spectacle Ecosystem

TOPIC: Humans broadcasting their trials, then turning them into content monetization funnels.

[JUDICIAL DISSONANCE ALERT]

💬 “Their reality is a playlist.” Zarthon-7

💬 “If the law doesn’t entertain, they scroll.” BLURB-9

🚨GALACTIC MORALE METER

██████░░░░░░░░░░ 38% — Dropping

💬 “They keep dressing up collapse. At least it photographs well.” Zarthon-7

💬 “They cried when a drag queen fixed someone’s posture.” Velmina-42

💬 “This planet is trending again. That’s a warning.” BLURB-9

⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉ SIGNAL REDACTED ⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉

🚫 DO NOT SHARE THIS TRANSMISSION 🚫

Doing so may breach Council Regulation 42.3-A: “Leaking intelligence to humans who eat string cheese at parties.”

🚫 `Do Not Follow - Social Surveilance Nodes`

[END TRANSMISSION] 🛸 ⊘⊘:╳Ξ Logged by BLURB-9

Next Issue: Why Earthlings line up in parking lots for toast with fish eggs and call it prestige.

“This was funny until I realized they’re serious.”