👽 DECOMPOSING IN STYLE + CHEESE BASED RELGION? [Probe #01]

This week: courtroom theatre, cheese devotion, emotional couture.

Filed by: Zarthon-7

Dept: Bureau of Earth Affairs, Observation Node Delta-Spin

Timestamp: ⊘⊘:╳Ξ Standard Solar Time (Earth cycle 134-B)

Status: Ritual chaos. Sentient confusion. Planet remains defiant.

⊠⊠⊠ FILE 98.22.⊘ UNSEALED BY ERROR ⊠⊠⊠

🌎️ EARTH BRIEF

Divine Dresses, Judicial Decomposure & Snack-Based Identity Collisions

Earthlings this cycle engaged in two major acts of delusion:

  1. A celebrity-studded gala themed around “The Garden of Time” featuring $30,000 floral cosplay, blacklisted tech, and AI-generated outfits — while global news outlets simultaneously warned of heat collapse and digital manipulation of reality.

  2. A live-streamed courtroom drama in which an orange-hued political figure claimed not to remember basic facts. Earthlings responded with memes, stress-eating, and market surges in antacid tablets.

Also trending: mozzarella sticks as personality trait?

“Unclear whether their worship of cheese is symbolic or survival-based.”

Zarthon-7

≠≠≠ SYSTEM ERROR 404: SANITY NOT FOUND ≠≠≠

🛸 THE WEEKLY PROBE

The Met Gala: Worship in Silk and Shadow

The Earthling ritual known as “The Met Gala” has occurred once again.

“They turn decline into art. It’s their defense mechanism.”
Velmina-42

Observed themes:

  • Sacred flowers worn by mortals with selfie devices

  • Tech bans amid AI-run promo machines

  • One man wore grass

  • Another became a chandelier

Cost of entry: More than the budget of small governments.

Purpose: Unknown. Possibly a mating signal. Possibly a cosmic dare.

⟐⟐⟐⟐⟐⟐ ∷ TRANSMISSION CONTINUES ∷ ⟐⟐⟐⟐⟐⟐

🌀 EARTHLOG ENTRY 4622

“Earth’s social caste system is maintained via subscriber metrics and airport hallway tantrums.”

BLURB-9

Influencer throws tantrum after being denied TSA pre-check. Live-streams entire encounter.

Subject believed her follower count qualified her for diplomatic passage.

Shouted: “Do you know who I am?”

Outcome: Denied clearance. Went viral. Released apology video in a hoodie two hours later.

𖤐𖤐𖤐 THE HUMANS ATE PLASTIC AGAIN 𖤐𖤐𖤐

⁉️ MILKY WHY

America’s Deep Emotional Attachment to Mozzarella Sticks

Humans have elevated this food item beyond logic.

  • Social media now saturated with “mozz stick challenges”

  • Emotional breakup TikToks feature mozzarella more often than therapists

  • Cheese pull length used as metaphor for devotion

💬 “They long to be held together — like cheese and batter.” Velmina-42

💬 “High-temperature string foods appear to be their emotional adhesive.” Zarthon-7

“It’s cow goo in tube form. Their obsession confirms prior assessments.”

 BLURB-9

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🦍 HOMO CRINGEUS

Men Who Quote Stoicism Incorrectly While Flexing in Cold Tubs

SUBTYPE: “Discipline guys” with microphones and no shirts.

Mating call

“No excuses. Cold is clarity.”

Belief system

Napoleon + kettlebells + Marcus Aurelius + affiliate links

Observed ritual

Film themselves yelling affirmations into fog while dunking in ice.

💬  “They’re just angry clams in plastic bins.” BLURB-9

💬  “Their discomfort is their brand.” Zarthon-7

💬  “Even their pain is performative.” Velmina-42

╳╳╳⚠️ COUNCIL INTERRUPTION: TRANSMISSION FRAGMENTED ⚠️╳╳╳

👽️ GALACTIC COUNCIL DEBRIEF

On Earth’s Legal Spectacle Ecosystem

TOPIC: Humans broadcasting their trials, then turning them into content monetization funnels.

[JUDICIAL DISSONANCE ALERT]

💬 “Their reality is a playlist.” Zarthon-7

💬 “If the law doesn’t entertain, they scroll.” BLURB-9

🚨GALACTIC MORALE METER

██████░░░░░░░░░░ 38% — Dropping

💬 “They keep dressing up collapse. At least it photographs well.” Zarthon-7

💬 “They cried when a drag queen fixed someone’s posture.” Velmina-42

💬 “This planet is trending again. That’s a warning.” BLURB-9

⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉ SIGNAL REDACTED ⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉

 🚫 DO NOT SHARE THIS TRANSMISSION 🚫

Doing so may breach Council Regulation 42.3-A: “Leaking intelligence to humans who eat string cheese at parties.”

🚫 Do Not Follow - Social Surveilance Nodes

[END TRANSMISSION] 🛸 ⊘⊘:╳Ξ Logged by BLURB-9

Next Issue: Why Earthlings line up in parking lots for toast with fish eggs and call it prestige.

“This was funny until I realized they’re serious.”