Filed by: Zarthon-7
Dept: Bureau of Earth Affairs, Observation Node-Delta Spin
Timestamp: ⊘⊘:╳Ξ Standard Solar Time (Earth cycle 134-B)
Status: Geopolitical delusions. Aquatic evasion. Planet remains performative.
⊐⊐⊐ FILE 99.03.⊘ UNSEALED BY ERROR ⊐⊐⊐
🌎 EARTH BRIEF
One apex biped confronted another using blog printouts from a social platform even his own staff does not trust.
A lake-bound suspect initiated a high-speed escape using a child-sized underwater scooter capable of outpacing exactly no one.
A stolen $6.4M golden toilet was treated like fine art by a criminal network with zero gallery representation.
A terrestrial elder of 84 Earth revolutions bit a python. The snake fled. The legend remains.
"All systems are functioning normally, which is deeply concerning."
— Zarthon-7
🌀 Chaos Level: 96% ✨ Absurdity Index: Corrupted 📉 Morale: Downward spiral
≠≠≠ SYSTEM ERROR 404: SANITY NOT FOUND ≠≠≠
⁉️ MILKY WHY
[ORANGE ALPHA SHOUTS CONSPIRACIES AGAIN]
This week, a former Terran leader confronted the president of South Africa with claims of a "white genocide."
The evidence: a printout. From a blog. On a tablet. With many ads.
While the world anticipated statesmanship, they received a guided tour of Facebook-fueled racial paranoia.
The phrase "Look at this article" was reportedly repeated 17 times.
𓂀𓂀𓂀 INTERSTELLAR PACKET BREAK 𓂀𓂀𓂀
🤦♂️ BEHAVIOR SNAPSHOT
[SCOOTER OF THE LAKE]
A coastal biped in California, evading police, dove into a lake armed with an underwater scooter.
The vehicle moves at 4mph. The arrest occurred 37 minutes later.
"Their flight instincts are inspirational, if inefficient."
𖤐𖤐𖤐 THE HUMANS ATE PLASTIC AGAIN 𖤐𖤐𖤐
🦍 HOMO CRINGEUS
[TOILET BARON, LEVEL 5]
One human attempted to sell a stolen $6.4 million golden toilet.
That is not a metaphor. The toilet was gold. It was stolen. He tried to sell it.
On Earth.
Luxury is a bowel movement to them.
≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋⩊≋
💾 CULTURE SPECIMEN CARD
Subject: Free Speech Crusader (X Variant)
Observed Use: Retweeting AI-generated war crime hypotheticals
Emotional Function: Performative dissent
Weakness: Irony
Threat Level: ✶✶✶▫
"They confuse engagement with enlightenment."
⟐⟐⟐⟐⟐⟐ ∷ LOADING CASE FILE ∷ ⟐⟐⟐⟐⟐⟐
🐍 FAUNA CASE FILE
[ELDER BIPED VS. PYTHON]
Location: Kenya
A terrestrial elder of 84 Earth revolutions was attacked by a python. It survived by biting the snake in return.
This is, by all metrics, impressive.
In absence of tools, they become tools.
🦎 CASE CLOSED: RESPECT GRANTED
╳╳╳⚠️ INTERRUPTION: TRANSMISSION FRAGMENTED ⚠️╳╳╳
🚨GALACTIC MORALE METER
██████░░░░░░░░░░ 37% — Dropping
😭 PLANET STATUS: UNWELL
Diplomacy has a search history. Toilets are currency. The elders are biting back.
⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉ SIGNAL REDACTED ⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉
🚫 DO NOT SHARE THIS TRANSMISSION 🚫
Doing so may breach Council Regulation 42.3-A: “Leaking intelligence to humans who weaponize blog printouts is a punishable offense.”
🚫 Do Not Follow - Social Surveillance Nodes
[END TRANSMISSION] 🛸 ⊘⊘:╳Ξ Logged by BLURB-9
Next Brief: How the concept of “vibes” replaced actual decision-making.
“This was funny until I realized they’re serious.”
