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WHITE GENOCIDE & GOLDEN TOILETS
βLuxury is a bowel movement to them.β
Zarthon-7
May 22, 2025
Filed by: Zarthon-7
Dept: Bureau of Earth Affairs, Observation Node-Delta Spin
Timestamp: ββ:β³Ξ Standard Solar Time (Earth cycle 134-B)
Status: Geopolitical delusions. Aquatic evasion. Planet remains performative.
βββ FILE 99.03.β UNSEALED BY ERROR βββ
ποΈ EARTH BRIEF
One apex biped confronted another using blog printouts from a social platform even his own staff does not trust.
A lake-bound suspect initiated a high-speed escape using a child-sized underwater scooter capable of outpacing exactly no one.
A stolen $6.4M golden toilet was treated like fine art by a criminal network with zero gallery representation.
A terrestrial elder of 84 Earth revolutions bit a python. The snake fled. The legend remains.
"All systems are functioning normally, which is deeply concerning."
β Zarthon-7
π Chaos Level: 96% β¨ Absurdity Index: Corrupted π Morale: Downward spiral
β β β SYSTEM ERROR 404: SANITY NOT FOUND β β β
βοΈ MILKY WHY
[ORANGE ALPHA SHOUTS CONSPIRACIES AGAIN]
This week, a former Terran leader confronted the president of South Africa with claims of a "white genocide."
The evidence: a printout. From a blog. On a tablet. With many ads.
While the world anticipated statesmanship, they received a guided tour of Facebook-fueled racial paranoia.
The phrase "Look at this article" was reportedly repeated 17 times.
πππ INTERSTELLAR PACKET BREAK πππ
π€¦ββοΈ BEHAVIOR SNAPSHOT
[SCOOTER OF THE LAKE]
A coastal biped in California, evading police, dove into a lake armed with an underwater scooter.
The vehicle moves at 4mph. The arrest occurred 37 minutes later.
"Their flight instincts are inspirational, if inefficient."
π€π€π€ THE HUMANS ATE PLASTIC AGAIN π€π€π€
π¦ HOMO CRINGEUS
[TOILET BARON, LEVEL 5]
One human attempted to sell a stolen $6.4 million golden toilet.
That is not a metaphor. The toilet was gold. It was stolen. He tried to sell it.
On Earth.
Luxury is a bowel movement to them.
ββ©ββ©ββ©ββ©ββ©ββ©ββ©ββ©ββ©ββ©β
πΎ CULTURE SPECIMEN CARD
Subject: Free Speech Crusader (X Variant)
Observed Use: Retweeting AI-generated war crime hypotheticals
Emotional Function: Performative dissent
Weakness: Irony
Threat Level: βΆβΆβΆβ«
"They confuse engagement with enlightenment."
ββββββ β· LOADING CASE FILE β· ββββββ
π FAUNA CASE FILE
[ELDER BIPED VS. PYTHON]
Location: Kenya
A terrestrial elder of 84 Earth revolutions was attacked by a python. It survived by biting the snake in return.
This is, by all metrics, impressive.
In absence of tools, they become tools.
π¦ CASE CLOSED: RESPECT GRANTED
β³β³β³β οΈ INTERRUPTION: TRANSMISSION FRAGMENTED β οΈβ³β³β³
π¨GALACTIC MORALE METER
ββββββββββββββββ 37% β Dropping
π PLANET STATUS: UNWELL
Diplomacy has a search history. Toilets are currency. The elders are biting back.
β§β§β§β§β§ SIGNAL REDACTED β§β§β§β§β§
π« DO NOT SHARE THIS TRANSMISSION π«
Doing so may breach Council Regulation 42.3-A: βLeaking intelligence to humans who weaponize blog printouts is a punishable offense.β
π« Do Not Follow - Social Surveillance Nodes
[END TRANSMISSION] πΈ ββ:β³Ξ Logged by BLURB-9
Next Brief: How the concept of βvibesβ replaced actual decision-making.
βThis was funny until I realized theyβre serious.β
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